Dating 101

Dating. Love. Marriage. Sex. Every teenager begins, as some point or another, to think about these things. And dating is usually the first to be pondered seriously. So, how’s a Christian to approach dating?

First, a disclaimer. I am not a dating expert or a relationship authority. Nor do I play one on TV. However, I am a Lutheran pastor. And God’s Word does offer some wonderful parameters within which the Christian can approach dating. The same is true of love, marriage, and sex. As I was recently asked to tackle this subject, what follows is my pastoral advice on dating. It is directed primarily to Lutheran teenagers, but may, by God’s grace, benefit others as well.

“It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (Genesis 2:18). God created man and woman for each other and placed within each a desire for the other. A desire for companionship (beyond that of friendship). A desire to be one flesh (within the God-given ordinance of marriage). And a desire to bring forth children (as God so blesses). Because the Christian lives within this God-given design, dating should always be done with marriage in mind.

That being said, we live in a sinful and broken world. The devil, the world, and our own sinful flesh tempt us to push aside the aforementioned God-given desire and find contentment in covetousness and lust and all sorts of sexual immorality. Add to this raging hormones, and the ability to live within God’s good design seems impossible. Is it any wonder that God calls us daily to die to sin and rise to new life in Christ’s forgiveness?

“Put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.” [Romans 13:14]

“Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” [1 Corinthians 6:18-20]

“Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.” [Galatians 5:24]

“Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness.” [Colossians 3:5]

So, whom should you date? The natural place to begin looking for that special person of the opposite sex is within your circle of good friends. With whom do you enjoy spending time? With whom do you share common interests, values, and pursuits? What kind of personality best gels with yours? Whom do you believe to be morally upright, outwardly kind and generous in word and deed, and inwardly grounded via faith to Christ? Whom do you find physically attractive? (Notice that I put this one last, for while physical looks are important, inner beauty is far more important. Don’t forget that the person you marry, as good as he or she looks on your wedding day, will one day grow old, get wrinkles, and may even turn grey, go bald, or need dentures!)

For the teenager who desires to date, the counsel and advice of father and mother are vitally important. God gave you your parents to love and nurture you, to guide and protect you, to lead you from childhood into adulthood. Besides, who knows you better? Who loves and cares about you more than Dad and Mom? God has seen fit to place you under their care and even commands you: “Honor your father and your mother” (Exodus 20:12). So seek their counsel and listen to their advice every step of the way.

But the most important thing to look for in a future spouse (and, thus, in dating as well), is a mutual faith in the one true God and a united confession of that faith. As a fellow pastor has stated, “it is best to find someone with whom you can call upon the Lord Jesus Christ with one heart and one voice.” In other words, look for someone who recognizes his/her sinfulness and looks to Christ for forgiveness and strength to live the Christian life. Look for someone who shares the same baptism, hears the same absolution, confesses the same faith, believes the same Gospel, looks to the same Christ, receives the same Supper, and walks daily in the same hope. Look for someone who understands that marriage is a reflection of the relationship of Christ and His Church. For these and other reasons, I advise Lutheran teenagers (and single Lutheran adults) to date a fellow Lutheran with the same confession of faith.

So, you’ve found someone you really like (who likes you as well). You even have your parents’ blessing. Now the exciting stuff of dating begins. Movies. Sporting events. Dances. Walks around the mall. Talks on the phone. Rejoicing in each other’s company. Learning each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Sharing in each other’s joys and sorrows. What next? Pastor Rick Stuckwisch offers the following advice:

“The thrill of dating should not be perpetuated for its own sake, nor allowed to go on and on without any guidance or direction. This stage in a relationship is really a testing of whether these two friends may become husband and wife. If it becomes clear that marriage would be unwise or out of the question, then romantic dating ought to stop, and perhaps a normal friendship in the company of other friends may be resumed. But if the relationship continues in a positive and healthy direction, with the blessing and approval of parents and other authorities, then the couple ought to be thinking and planning toward marriage. … The bottom line is to honor the Word of God and obey the Fourth Commandment, that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.” [Higher Things]

Through it all, keep yourself sexually pure in thought, word, and deed. Save yourself for marriage. Too many couples think that shacking up and engaging in premarital sex is necessary to determine if they are compatible or not. Don’t believe that lie. Those who cohabitate before marriage are more likely to divorce than couples who do not cohabitate. But even more importantly, God designed intimacy and sex to be enjoyed exclusively within marriage. As you learned from Luther’s Small Catechism: “We should fear and love God so that we lead a sexually pure and decent life in what we say and do, and husband and wife love and honor each other.”

And when God joins you to the one whom He has designated for you, live within God’s blessing. Be faithful to your spouse and to your mutual vows and commitment. Husbands, love your wife as Christ loves the Church. Wives, love your husband as the Church loves Christ. Put the needs of your spouse above your own. Forgive as you have been forgiven. Worship and pray together. And bring up your children in the fear and admonition of the Lord. In summary, “let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4).

Still have questions? I’m sure you do, for there are too many components of dating to tackle in one article. Plus, I don’t have all the answer anyway. It is my hope and prayer that you will speak with your parents and seek their counsel and advice regularly. I also invite you to ask me any questions you have as you enter the wonderful world of dating and courtship, and eventually engagement and marriage. God has much to say on these subjects, and I am happy to tell you more about His will for you!

This article appears in my congregation’s June 2010 newsletter.